I started this post with very different intentions, but this is what came out: I want to pay tribute to those of us who are motherless. For all of us who have to mother ourselves. Maybe our mothers have passed away. Maybe they live still but abandoned us. Or maybe they stayed but can't/don’t/won’t give us what we need.
I am a motherless child. I was birthed by a teenage mother who did the best she could, but sometimes it wasn’t good enough. Sometimes even though she was around, I was on my own. In some ways I raised myself (and her too).
Then when I was 28 she died, and I missed her best-that-sometimes-wasn’t-good-enough. I still do.
Whichever is your situation, here’s to all of you who parent yourselves. Who raised yourselves up from child to adult. Who learned how to be from books, movies, tv shows, teachers, pastors, shrinks, the streets, from whoever and whatever would teach you. Who have found others-play mamas, girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands-to give you what you didn’t/couldn't/won’t get from your mother.
I'm lucky. I have a beautiful stepmother, a loving grandmother, a great stepmother-in-law, wonderful girlfriends. I thank them all today. But on this day of mothers I have to say I miss the one I had and the one I wished I'd had.
And I pay tribute to all the motherless ones out there. For us:
24 comments:
Wow I really needed to hear this today. Today is mother’s day, tomorrow is my birthday. The years when both days are close or on the same day are really hard. I miss my mother even though sometime she couldn’t, because of her background, emotionally be there for me. She loved me as best she could. It took me a long time to realize this. Thank for being right on time with this post. Okay I’ll stop crying now.
K, Hope you do something nice for yourself today and tomorrow! Happy B-day!
She loved me as best she could. It took me a long time to realize this.
Sis I can so empathize and sympathize with you...some of us had less than perfect mothers.
Carleen's tribute spoke to me; as I too had a less than perfect mother. Thank God for grandmothers! I recall a time being so frustrated with my mom, that I vented and gave her over 18 years of simmering feelings that finally boiled over one day. My mom's response was, "I might not be the best mother, but I'm not the worst mother either." I was taken back but realized she spoke a lot of truth in what she said.
However, in hindsight, years later I realized one of the best things that my mom did for me was to allow my grandparents to adopt me. Because of them I am the person I am today. For that I thank God everyday for his grace and mercy.
Happy Mother's Day to each and every one of you...and Carleen thanks so much for sharing such an intimate part of your life with us.
xoxo
Great tribute! I'm going to pass this on to my mother whom I know is missing her mother...
Thanks
Darnetta
Beautiful post - this touched my heart. Thank you!
This was a wonderful post. My mother can relate her mother was not good but my mother is better than good thanks to her. Thanks for sharing.
Hey Carleen--This is beautiful. I'm lucky--I still have a great mom. But she lost hers at age 9 and I know it hurts her still.
Judy Larsen (who's typing from a guest computer because hers is in the shop! Eek.)
I am half way through your book. I have already cried. Having had a very strained relationship with my mother, you have made me see things for the first time and accept others ... Wow.... I love this ...Thank you
'cilla
What a great column. I'm afraid I can't relate but having met woman who were "motherless", there seemed to be a void and in some case bitterness. I have a friend whose mother was in a sanitorium most of her childhood because of tuberculosis and her aunt raised her and she was mama and after she was released, she remained with her aunt because that was what she knew. But she occasionally made comments about being abandoned and of course this was not her mother's fault, she was sick. This is an interesting topic as a mother's love is the most powerful and has the most influence. I guess there is some truth to Freud. I am amazed that most of the women I know in a motherless situation area a testament to the strengtht of the human spirit as they have proven to be great mothers to their own children.
Happy Mother's Day to you, Carleen, for even though I don't think you have children, it's obvious you are a nurturer.
My mother claims I raised both her and my brother, and that is partly true, but she also is a good mom and far, far from the worst.
I hope my kids have a good measure of grace for me when they remember their childhoods!
Thanks for the good thoughts here.
This is the first mother's day in many years that I've cried for the loss of my mother. She was only 18 when she got married and a single mom by the time I was 8. She wasn't the best mother and she made a lot of mistakes, but she didn't get much time to figure it out since she died when I was 12. I know now that my mother did the best that she could and I wish I'd have cut her more slack when she was alive. I think women who grew up without mothers tend and grew up quickly because of it tend to appear to be much more independent and together to the rest of the world than we really are. Thank you for this. OK now I'll stop crying too.
Thanks, Carleen. This was lovely.
Great tribute. Thankfully, I have a very wonderful and loving mother. I thank God for her everyday. :*)
That's lovely, Carleen. And mothers do come in all forms, even some as fairy godmothers.
Beautiful, Carleen.
Amy MacKinnon
Love to you and the mothering you do -- to yourself, your friends, your garden.
"She loved me as best she could. It took me a long time to realize this."
Ditto for me on this.
Carleen, such a tribute to so many. Lisa, my mom was only 12 when she lost her mother. I grew up picturing her as Cinderella with a stepmother who really was awful (though thankfully with very kind older sisters). Carleen, you may not even realize how many people will read or have read this and who are grateful to you for writing it. It strikes a chord is so many ways. K.
...and it inspired me to write my current post. :) K.
Thanks everybody for all the comments!
Sustenance Scout: It's always an honor to think that someone may be touched by something I write. Thanks for saying so.
I lost my mom 10 yrs ago--my grandmother exactly 1 month to the day before my mother. Although the intensity of the loss has softened, om days like birthdays and mothers' days, I am acutely aware that I am the oldest generation in my family. My Dad died in July of last year. Now I am an adult orphan. It's a new phase of life, one that gives me pause. Happy belated mothers' day to us all--whether we are one or we have had one.
"I missed her best-that-sometimes-wasn’t-good-enough." Beautifully honest. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing and putting your truth out there. Hope your birthday was all that you wanted it to be.
T
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